Say Whaaaat???

I recently did a survey with some of my male friends and associates and they gave me some excellent information. Ladies, I got my hands on some inside information and guess what? We don’t have a clue! Thank you to all who responded to my request for your truths. I appreciate it and I don’t think I would have been able to put this article together without you. I asked the following questions. After the question I will put the condensed version of the answers I received.  Enjoy!

1.  Other than her having a vagina, after meeting a woman for the first time, what would make you want to have sex with her?

Ladies, first impressions are EVERYTHING. This is where you can make or break that first connection. From the answers I got on the survey, men love a nice looking woman, let’s just put the shit out there. They love eye candy, they want to see an attractive woman standing before them. Dress nice and age appropriate. Smell nice. Not too much makeup. A lot of the guys said they love ‘no makeup’ but in my opinion, I don’t think they’ve seen many chicks completely make up free and wouldn’t enjoy that as much as they think they would. While most women think that a man pays attention to only looks on the first encounter, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Men want to listen to a woman speak so they can hear how intelligent she is.  Nobody wants a dummy. Ignorance is not bliss and it is not attractive.
2. Do you expect to have sex on the first date? Do you want to have sex on the first date?

I think this was the question with the most honest answers. It’s plain and simple on this one ladies, men do not expect sex on the first date. They go on the first date to enjoy the date, to get to know you and feel you out, not to fuck you. Sadly, it’s like an interview.
They want to have sex on the first date but it is not at all expected. Most of the guys interviewed even said sex being offered on a first date is a complete turn off and there wouldn’t be a second date. The reason for this is: imagine how many first dates a woman goes on…if she gets down with every man she goes on a date with her ‘number’ skyrockets. Guys like freaks but they don’t like freaks that everybody has had a taste of.  Speaking of taste…
3. Is oral sex acceptable the first time you have sex?

This one is going to hurt ladies. Go get a tissue. I’ll give you a minute…

Okay, the guys don’t want to do it the first time. Period. They just don’t want to and they don’t feel like it’s necessary. This can be party due to the woman not being demanding about it but whatever. It is what it is. They don’t want to do it the first time and they aren’t going to do it the first time. (Unless there’s some lying going on…)  BUT…there’s ALWAYS a big BUT…they will certainly accept it if you are willing to go there. (Go figure!) I don’t know what kind of perks this gets you later on down the line. I got one reply from a man that said he would do it only if he knew for sure he would get it in return. Then 2 guys said they would do it absolutely, hands down. But that’s out of the 20 people I asked so those chances SUCK…no pun intended…

4. What determines if you have sex a second time?

This is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Most of the guys surveyed said they would always do it a second time no matter what the first time was like. The fear is that the second time may be better and if they just let her go, they will never experience that. The rest of the guys said if there is no sexual chemistry, why waste the time? Here I learned that guys do like passion and sensuality. It’s not just a fuck to them. They are having sex with all the senses. Tantalize all of them!

5. When you meet a woman, what’s the first 3 physical traits you look at?

The replies to this question shocked me the most. While the media has these chicks thinking these guys are honed in on tits and ass it’s the little things that count. Okay, you know some of the guys can’t help themselves and they are going for the tits and ass no matter what BUT that doesn’t determine if a woman is attractive to them. The physical traits men pay attention to are as follows in no particular order.
-EYES!!! This was the number one answer. All but 2 of the guys had eyes in their list of 3 things. I don’t know what it is about the eyes either, nobody elaborated.  I would love comments on this one. Is it the shape, color, make up?
-Smile
-‘body’ (whatever that means)
-Lips
-hair/nails: with this one, guys don’t like extremes. No extreme styles or colors. Hair and nails is what the fellas said could embarrass him the most. They don’t like excessive or long weaves.  Guys like braids believe it or not.
-Intellect, job, career (not physical but this answer was frequent)
-Ass: and they want it to be yours, no implants, no injections, no booty enhancing underwear
-Hips/Curves/Thighs
-Sense of Humor (again, not physical but I got this answer a few times)
-Smell: step your perfume game up, ladies.

6. If a woman isn’t attractive to your standards, name 3 things that would still make you want to have sex with her.

Beer, wine and hard liquor was the funniest answer I got to this question. Bottom line on this one is that most guys aren’t willing to lower their physical standards for a piece of ass. Being under the influence will certainly have them shagging chicks they wouldn’t normally be getting down with. A few guys said that if a women just wants to have sex with no strings attached, they would do it just to do it. This is where having a good sense of humor comes in. Even if you aren’t all that physically attractive, crack a joke, it just may get you laid tonight.  Apparently guys love to laugh.  When I get on a roll, I think I am a comedian.  I’ll laugh all the way to the bedroom…
So, what do you think about the answers I received?  Agree, disagree?  Fellas, I would love to hear your answers to the questions. Maybe you feel different, have a different perspective. If you want to give me your answers in private, email me at valentinevixen@readtheselipz.com.  Make sure your answers correspond with the numbers of the questions.  I don’t have time to try to decipher your sexual preference report.

Ladies, I will be surveying you next with a whole new set of questions.  Fellas, BOLO for those answers, you might learn something the same way I did.  I hope this information was helpful to the ladies.

This is a blogpost I think there will be a follow up story on. Hopefully it will be soon.

Kiss the clover!

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May I Ass You a Question?

“You gonna get some ass tonight?”
“When you gonna let me get that ass, girl?”
“When was the last time you gave me a piece of ass?”

Um, so, uh, yeah, so just so we’re clear…uh, are we talking proverbial ass or, um, literal ass? Just trying to clear that up. People don’t want and certainly don’t need that “in the wrong hole” embarrassment while they are having sex later on down the line. It’s weird and can take a socially awkward 15 seconds or so to get back on track. Even if it’s pitch black in the room, doesn’t do anything to help with saving face. So, let’s just put the shit out there so there’s no confusion, no embarrassment, no punches thrown, no breakups and no move outs. Let me ass you this simple yes or no question: DO YOU WANT TO HAVE ANAL OR NAH?

How did I miss the Anal Sex Welcome Wagon? When did it arrive because I have been completely been blindsided by this. When did anal sex become so popular? It’s commonplace in porn now. They just threw it in at the end of the customary sequence: blow job, missionary, girl on top, doggystyle, then ANAL. I even read that virgins are having anal sex to retain and maintain their virgin status. Woah!!! If you have anal sex, you may still be a virgin but there should be a new name for what they should call you. Champion and gangsta are a couple that come to mind. You go girl!

There are several men that want to do it but may be hesitant to ask because they don’t want to come off as some freak ass douchbag that’s just trying to mark ‘ass’ off of his sex list. He may not know how to bring it up or how to ask for it in a way to not offend his partner. He doesn’t want her to feel like he’s there to ask for more than she was willing to give. He certainly doesn’t want to take it upon himself and just go for the gusto, oh no, hell no. Don’t do that…ever. Believe it or not, I think there are many women that wouldn’t mind giving it a try for the first time. There are several women who are doing it regularly. Women may be hesitant to ask for it because they may be afraid of the reaction they get from their partner. No woman wants to be known as the ‘Up the Butt” girl during the following weekend’s barbershop chatter. Do guys even think like this though? Does a woman get points deducted if she wants anal sex?

I don’t think there is concern for either problem laid out above. When you are dealing with a mature group of sexually uninhibited individuals, what you like is what you like. There is usually no criticism coming from either party. You don’t know what you like until you try it. It’s the same with food. I hate to hear somebody say they don’t like a certain food if they haven’t even tried it. That makes no sense. So this is a good place to insert: Don’t knock it ’til you try it.

If you try it, relax, breathe. It will make things easier and more enjoyable for both of you. Make sure you use plenty of lubricant, you can’t use too much, no such thing. This is supposed to be pleasurable, not painful, so you may want to start with something smaller than him (sex toy, finger) or if you ‘bout that life go right ahead. This isn’t a rule book and I’m not your coach. Enjoy!

Kiss the clover.

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Plain, Discreet Packaging

With the internet you can find just about anything you want, order it and have it shipped right to your door. Amazon is using drones to deliver to the people that just can’t wait.

Now, you can also get your porn without leaving the house, right from your bed before you even put your feet on the floor. When I say porn, I mean porn in all shapes, forms and fashions. Videos, escorts, live video chat sites, pictures, stories, blogs *cough, cough*, anything that gets you off…or on.

Remember the ordeal of having to go to the video store and step behind the curtain to get your porn. Remember trying not to be seen at the sex shop browsing around, trying to make a quick decision before the other shoppers think you are a freak? This was back when being a freak was an insult. I think times have changed. The fact that a person watched pornography and actually enjoyed it has always been a well kept secret. Oh the guilt!! Shame on you!! *holds hand up as if in court* “My name is Valentine Vixen and I love watching porn.” No shame here. I love it. Everything sex related has to be so discreet because, you know, nobody is having sex these days, but everybody is coming up pregnant, hmmmm. Sex related shops are always plain buildings that have a very small sign out front and parking is ALWAYS in the rear. Heaven forbid somebody drive by and notice your car out front. I saw a meme online where the church bus was parked at a XXX video store. WTF? Bless that bus driver! If you order anything sex related, it comes discreetly in ‘plain brown packaging’ from a company generically named. I love the names that are on the boxes: RCS Industries, Central Shipping or QRS Distribution. (How do I know this stuff?) Where do they come up with these pseudonyms?

I remember when I was in the Air Force stationed in Alaska, we used to go to Video City to rent movies. I would always hear the guys talk about the room behind the curtain. I knew it was the porn palace but they went on and on about it. I thought it was Oz! Now, I know better, they were young and horny, just like me. That was like legal crack for $1.99 a night. It didn’t get any better than that. It was the Emerald City to them. I couldn’t wait to build up enough courage to go in there. I was 19 and hadn’t established myself as vixen yet. Yes, I’m established now if you were wondering. Thank you, thank you. I went in the store one day and was like this is the day, I’m going in! When I finally pulled the red velvet curtain aside and stepped back there, I heard the sparkly dream music, you know what I’m talking about. I was surprised how big the selection was. All the video covers looked the same though. Tits and ass and the occasional specialty porn… Then I felt bad, like I was invading the privacy of the real browsers to prove I wasn’t scared to be back there. The men in there seemed embarrassed that a young woman saw them in there. They quickly made their decisions (or not) and got ghost real fast. My fear was seeing somebody I worked with in there, some officer or somebody higher ranking. That would have been so awkward. Damn, it was like being caught with your pants down and having your hand in the cookie jar and the same time. Needless to say, I didn’t rent anything. Hell, I would have been too embarrassed to return it. This was before the days of the after hours drop box. I might be a little old, I’m aging myself here…

I’m thankful those days are over. Now you can go online and order whatever you want. If you are looking for video, just go to the hundreds of sites that offer up decent length scenes for free. There’s something for every taste (no pun intended). You can watch everything from the “leaked” celebrity sex tapes to the chick and her dude from the club last night trying to make a name for themselves. By the way, whose idea was it to make the blurry cell phone sex video and post that shit online? Don’t do that, my time is valuable, just don’t do it. Not interested in the 20 minute long blow job? Skip up a few notches or just go to another ‘related’ video. No guilt or shame, you didn’t waste money or have to take the DVD back disappointed. You can get porn on your phone too. They don’t call them smart phones for nothing. I’m not saying I’ve checked all the sites, I’m just saying check the ones you like. You might be surprised. These waits at the doctors office and DMV are getting longer and longer…

Who’s still watching porn DVDs or do I even need to ask, tapes? (Who still has a VCR? On the real, if you do, I need to borrow it.) Who’s watching internet porn? Who has the rigged cable box and has porn on a continuous loop all day long? What are your favorite sites? Where are you ordering your “supplies” from? How are you getting your daily dose?

Kiss the clover!

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Cheat Codes

“It ain’t cheating if I didn’t suck his dick. It ain’t cheating if we ain’t dating and a date constitutes going to a public place. It ain’t cheating if he wears a condom. I just kissed him, damn. It ain’t cheating if we did it at a hotel.”

“It ain’t cheating because I don’t love her. It ain’t cheating because it only happened once. It ain’t cheating ‘cause my homeboy was there the whole time. It ain’t cheating because all she did was suck my dick. It ain’t cheating because I didn’t eat that pussy.”

“Texting and sending pics is cheating. Phone calls are cheating. Having lunch with her is cheating. If you’re doing dinner you must be doing her afterwards. Being in the same room with her alone is cheating.”

“Flirting is cheating. He said you have pretty eyes? You must have fucked that dude. Him buying you a drink is cheating. What? You danced with him? That’s cheating. His number in your phone is cheating, what you need to call him for?”

I guess you can tell where these groups of comments come from. It’s really clear what a person considers cheating for themselves is quite the contrary for what they consider cheating for their significant others (who will be referred to as mates for the remainder of this blogpost, significant others is just too much and I’m not going to do it today. Okay, thank you.) Most people feel like a relationship is successful if both parties don’t cheat. That’s what THEY say. THEY being society. But what if cheating to you isn’t the same thing as cheating to your mate?

Are you in a liberal relationship? Open? Don’t ask, don’t tell? Conservative? Strict? Play by society’s rules? Are you in a certain category and wish you were in another? It’s perfectly ok to be in a relationship and have an attraction to another person. The last time I checked, we were human. Humans are animals. Or is my research sketchy? It’s normal and natural to be attracted to others. That’s what people do. You are attracted to people when you’re single and that doesn’t just turn off when you get into a relationship or when you get married. Go tell those lies to somebody that’s willing to listen to them. It doesn’t work that way. It is going to happen whether you are married or single…if you have a pulse, you’re going to be attracted to somebody else.

How you deal with relationship issues should be a serious discussion between you and your mate. This conversation needs to take place when you have a clear head, no Ciroc, and no distractions. Put the kids to bed. If you can’t have this discussion with your mate without a fight ensuing, then you have bigger problems. I’m not a therapist, but if this is the case, you probably need one. A real therapist too, not your single homegirl with 3 baby daddies telling you how your man ain’t shit. Don’t laugh fellas, y’all got trash in your ear too. Your homeboy that doesn’t have a woman because he don’t love them hoes. Them hoes don’t love him either. Your relationship is YOUR relationship. It’s yours, you own it, so participate in it. Leave the outsiders where they belong, outside.

You and your mate have to establish from the beginning what is acceptable and unacceptable. You may encounter situations that weren’t previously discussed. When this happens, deal with it at that time. Don’t put off talking about any situation that may make either party feel uncomfortable or disrespected. Relationships and people grow. As time goes on, people change. This isn’t a discussion you will only have one time. It’s important that you can communicate openly with your mate. If you are one of those silent treatment people that feels like you’re punishing your mate by not talking to them for an extended period of time, whomever is in a relationship with you hates your fucking guts when you “get mad.” Your relationship will not last. I promise it won’t. They may put up with your shit on Friday and be making that side piece scream their name on Saturday. Keep it up. Open your mouth and talk about it. (Or you can open your mouth, do other things AND THEN talk about it.)

I am not condoning or condemning any behavior when you’re in a relationship. I am saying that you should never let society dictate to you what your relationship should be. That should be a decision made between you and your mate and you two only.

You should know your mate’s fantasies and desires. There may be things you want to try together but you would never know if you are both afraid to bring it up.
Here are some ice breakers if you don’t know where to start. Read the question out loud. Both of you discuss the answer. Don’t move on to the next question until you are both satisfied with your conclusion. These are just examples, build off of these to take the discussion further.

First, start with these very important questions: Do you trust me? Do you love me? If the answer to either of these questions is ’no’, abort this mission and move on to something else. I’m sure Black Phoenix has plenty of entertaining shit to keep you occupied…

Here we go:

– Do you consider kissing cheating?
– If I had sex with somebody else, would you want to know?
– How do you feel about texts and phone calls from somebody of the opposite sex?
-Is being drunk an acceptable excuse for outside sex? (This question establishes accountability from the beginning.)
-Have you ever considered a threesome? 2 woman and 1 man? 2 men and 1 woman?
-Is there something you need from me sexually that I’m not giving you?
-Are you against me having lunch or dinner with somebody else?
-How do you feel about experimental sex? (2 women, I wouldn’t dare put 2 men, either party with another couple, couple swapping)
-Do we have curfews when we go out?
-Do you think there’s a difference in severity between a one night stand and an affair?
-Do you flirt with others?
-I’m going out for dinner and drinks with a group, there are guys/girls in that group. Is that ok with you?
-Is your cell phone off limits to me? If so, why?
-Tell me 3 sexual fantasies of yours. (This isn’t where you tell all the celebrities you want to fuck.)
-If ANY of our rules are broken would you want me to tell you?
-What are the consequences for breaking our rules?

Having a discussion this deep can make or break a relationship. What works for you may not work for everybody else. Talk to your mate with an open mind and an open heart. Trust that your mate is giving you honest answers. Make your relationship what the two of you need it to be. Make it rock solid, make it work. You make the rules. It’s YOUR relationship. The grass may not be greener on the other side but when your grass is fertilized with bullshit that kind of makes the whole saying obsolete ya think?

I would love to hear feedback on this. Email me at valentinevixen@readtheselipz.com

Kiss the clover.

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Panty Droppers (No Money Back Guarantees)

I don’t listen to it, I feel it, I fuck to it. I’m talking ‘bout good old fashioned R&B, the take yo’ panties off music. Ladies, you ever had dick so good while a song is playing in the background and you hear that song again and get wet? I hate when that happens at work! Then I lose focus and the only thing on my mind is fucking, like, for the rest of the day. So much for those deadlines.
I can be riding in my car and hear a song and think to myself “I can’t wait to fuck to this song.” I get to moving around in my seat, practicing my choreography. I mentally get my outfit together complete with accessories. Then I gotta Shazam that bad boy, add it to Spotify and do my thing to it later. You’re welcome.
Fellas, remember that cassette you had back in the day called ‘Slow Jams Mix Tape’? You know you had one, everybody had one to two or three. That tape was intended to be a soundtrack for some good ass lovemaking. You imagined doing some really freaky shit to those songs while you were putting that tape together, recording the songs off the radio hoping not to get the DJs voice at the end of the song. Another man’s voice when you are about to climax would certainly kill the vibe. Some of you got lucky on those tapes, others, not so much. I still got my slow jams tapes and CDs, hell, I’m with the times, I got my playlists digital now.
There are some songs that just sound so good you can’t help but to think sexual thoughts when you hear them. There are so many out there but here is a pretty solid list that will increase the chances of you getting some. C’mon, don’t think you just gonna press play and she’s gonna get on her knees or bend over and pull her panties to the side. You have to set the scene. Dinner and wine pairs lovely with great music. If you don’t get any, it might be that YOU couldn’t seal the deal, don’t blame it on me. But if you do make it happen, send me an email at valentinevixen@readtheselipz.com and tell me all about it. I can get my 50 shades on while I’m at the red light.
These are some of MY favorites from the past and present. This is by no means an all inclusive list but damn, I can’t come up with all the answers. Who do you think I am? This is just a taste. Now, go taste her and happy humping.

The Greatest Sex – R. Kelly
Inside My Love – Minnie Ripperton
You Are My Woman – Tian
Don’t Say Goodnight – Isley Brothers
Moments In Love – Art of Noise
Make Me Say It Again Girl – Isley Brothers
No Bullshit – Chris Brown
Earned It – The Weekend
Marathon – Raheem DeVaughn
Untitled (How Does It Feel) – DeAngelo
Jupiter Love – Trey Songz
Make Love To Me – Luke James
Any Time, Any Place – Janet Jackson
In The Mood – Johnny Gill
Alone, Together – Daley
Jaded – George Tandy, Jr
Femininity – Eric Benet
Heaven – Kem
Mirror – Ne-Yo
Lose Control – Silk
U Send Me Swingin’ – Mint Condition
Come Inside – Intro
Slow Wine – Tony Toni Tone
He Loves Me – Jill Scott
After the Dance – Marvin Gaye

Hood Bonus Tracks (These rappers done got nasty, I love it!)
Or Nah Remix – The Weekend, Wiz Khalifa and DJ Mustard
Private Show – T.I. and Chris Brown
Recognize – PARTYNEXTDOOR ft. Drake

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