Cheat Codes

“It ain’t cheating if I didn’t suck his dick. It ain’t cheating if we ain’t dating and a date constitutes going to a public place. It ain’t cheating if he wears a condom. I just kissed him, damn. It ain’t cheating if we did it at a hotel.”

“It ain’t cheating because I don’t love her. It ain’t cheating because it only happened once. It ain’t cheating ‘cause my homeboy was there the whole time. It ain’t cheating because all she did was suck my dick. It ain’t cheating because I didn’t eat that pussy.”

“Texting and sending pics is cheating. Phone calls are cheating. Having lunch with her is cheating. If you’re doing dinner you must be doing her afterwards. Being in the same room with her alone is cheating.”

“Flirting is cheating. He said you have pretty eyes? You must have fucked that dude. Him buying you a drink is cheating. What? You danced with him? That’s cheating. His number in your phone is cheating, what you need to call him for?”

I guess you can tell where these groups of comments come from. It’s really clear what a person considers cheating for themselves is quite the contrary for what they consider cheating for their significant others (who will be referred to as mates for the remainder of this blogpost, significant others is just too much and I’m not going to do it today. Okay, thank you.) Most people feel like a relationship is successful if both parties don’t cheat. That’s what THEY say. THEY being society. But what if cheating to you isn’t the same thing as cheating to your mate?

Are you in a liberal relationship? Open? Don’t ask, don’t tell? Conservative? Strict? Play by society’s rules? Are you in a certain category and wish you were in another? It’s perfectly ok to be in a relationship and have an attraction to another person. The last time I checked, we were human. Humans are animals. Or is my research sketchy? It’s normal and natural to be attracted to others. That’s what people do. You are attracted to people when you’re single and that doesn’t just turn off when you get into a relationship or when you get married. Go tell those lies to somebody that’s willing to listen to them. It doesn’t work that way. It is going to happen whether you are married or single…if you have a pulse, you’re going to be attracted to somebody else.

How you deal with relationship issues should be a serious discussion between you and your mate. This conversation needs to take place when you have a clear head, no Ciroc, and no distractions. Put the kids to bed. If you can’t have this discussion with your mate without a fight ensuing, then you have bigger problems. I’m not a therapist, but if this is the case, you probably need one. A real therapist too, not your single homegirl with 3 baby daddies telling you how your man ain’t shit. Don’t laugh fellas, y’all got trash in your ear too. Your homeboy that doesn’t have a woman because he don’t love them hoes. Them hoes don’t love him either. Your relationship is YOUR relationship. It’s yours, you own it, so participate in it. Leave the outsiders where they belong, outside.

You and your mate have to establish from the beginning what is acceptable and unacceptable. You may encounter situations that weren’t previously discussed. When this happens, deal with it at that time. Don’t put off talking about any situation that may make either party feel uncomfortable or disrespected. Relationships and people grow. As time goes on, people change. This isn’t a discussion you will only have one time. It’s important that you can communicate openly with your mate. If you are one of those silent treatment people that feels like you’re punishing your mate by not talking to them for an extended period of time, whomever is in a relationship with you hates your fucking guts when you “get mad.” Your relationship will not last. I promise it won’t. They may put up with your shit on Friday and be making that side piece scream their name on Saturday. Keep it up. Open your mouth and talk about it. (Or you can open your mouth, do other things AND THEN talk about it.)

I am not condoning or condemning any behavior when you’re in a relationship. I am saying that you should never let society dictate to you what your relationship should be. That should be a decision made between you and your mate and you two only.

You should know your mate’s fantasies and desires. There may be things you want to try together but you would never know if you are both afraid to bring it up.
Here are some ice breakers if you don’t know where to start. Read the question out loud. Both of you discuss the answer. Don’t move on to the next question until you are both satisfied with your conclusion. These are just examples, build off of these to take the discussion further.

First, start with these very important questions: Do you trust me? Do you love me? If the answer to either of these questions is ’no’, abort this mission and move on to something else. I’m sure Black Phoenix has plenty of entertaining shit to keep you occupied…

Here we go:

– Do you consider kissing cheating?
– If I had sex with somebody else, would you want to know?
– How do you feel about texts and phone calls from somebody of the opposite sex?
-Is being drunk an acceptable excuse for outside sex? (This question establishes accountability from the beginning.)
-Have you ever considered a threesome? 2 woman and 1 man? 2 men and 1 woman?
-Is there something you need from me sexually that I’m not giving you?
-Are you against me having lunch or dinner with somebody else?
-How do you feel about experimental sex? (2 women, I wouldn’t dare put 2 men, either party with another couple, couple swapping)
-Do we have curfews when we go out?
-Do you think there’s a difference in severity between a one night stand and an affair?
-Do you flirt with others?
-I’m going out for dinner and drinks with a group, there are guys/girls in that group. Is that ok with you?
-Is your cell phone off limits to me? If so, why?
-Tell me 3 sexual fantasies of yours. (This isn’t where you tell all the celebrities you want to fuck.)
-If ANY of our rules are broken would you want me to tell you?
-What are the consequences for breaking our rules?

Having a discussion this deep can make or break a relationship. What works for you may not work for everybody else. Talk to your mate with an open mind and an open heart. Trust that your mate is giving you honest answers. Make your relationship what the two of you need it to be. Make it rock solid, make it work. You make the rules. It’s YOUR relationship. The grass may not be greener on the other side but when your grass is fertilized with bullshit that kind of makes the whole saying obsolete ya think?

I would love to hear feedback on this. Email me at

Kiss the clover.


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