May I Ass You a Question?

“You gonna get some ass tonight?”
“When you gonna let me get that ass, girl?”
“When was the last time you gave me a piece of ass?”

Um, so, uh, yeah, so just so we’re clear…uh, are we talking proverbial ass or, um, literal ass? Just trying to clear that up. People don’t want and certainly don’t need that “in the wrong hole” embarrassment while they are having sex later on down the line. It’s weird and can take a socially awkward 15 seconds or so to get back on track. Even if it’s pitch black in the room, doesn’t do anything to help with saving face. So, let’s just put the shit out there so there’s no confusion, no embarrassment, no punches thrown, no breakups and no move outs. Let me ass you this simple yes or no question: DO YOU WANT TO HAVE ANAL OR NAH?

How did I miss the Anal Sex Welcome Wagon? When did it arrive because I have been completely been blindsided by this. When did anal sex become so popular? It’s commonplace in porn now. They just threw it in at the end of the customary sequence: blow job, missionary, girl on top, doggystyle, then ANAL. I even read that virgins are having anal sex to retain and maintain their virgin status. Woah!!! If you have anal sex, you may still be a virgin but there should be a new name for what they should call you. Champion and gangsta are a couple that come to mind. You go girl!

There are several men that want to do it but may be hesitant to ask because they don’t want to come off as some freak ass douchbag that’s just trying to mark ‘ass’ off of his sex list. He may not know how to bring it up or how to ask for it in a way to not offend his partner. He doesn’t want her to feel like he’s there to ask for more than she was willing to give. He certainly doesn’t want to take it upon himself and just go for the gusto, oh no, hell no. Don’t do that…ever. Believe it or not, I think there are many women that wouldn’t mind giving it a try for the first time. There are several women who are doing it regularly. Women may be hesitant to ask for it because they may be afraid of the reaction they get from their partner. No woman wants to be known as the ‘Up the Butt” girl during the following weekend’s barbershop chatter. Do guys even think like this though? Does a woman get points deducted if she wants anal sex?

I don’t think there is concern for either problem laid out above. When you are dealing with a mature group of sexually uninhibited individuals, what you like is what you like. There is usually no criticism coming from either party. You don’t know what you like until you try it. It’s the same with food. I hate to hear somebody say they don’t like a certain food if they haven’t even tried it. That makes no sense. So this is a good place to insert: Don’t knock it ’til you try it.

If you try it, relax, breathe. It will make things easier and more enjoyable for both of you. Make sure you use plenty of lubricant, you can’t use too much, no such thing. This is supposed to be pleasurable, not painful, so you may want to start with something smaller than him (sex toy, finger) or if you ‘bout that life go right ahead. This isn’t a rule book and I’m not your coach. Enjoy!

Kiss the clover.

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Variety Is The Spice of Life

Before I begin, I want to start by saying that I do not promote promiscuity, but I do promote the need for variety in the course of one’s sex life.  Promiscuity is almost taboo as it borders along the word whore or hoe. I like to joke and say most of us were whores at one time, but it’s a tough pill to swallow.  But variety….variety sounds like we have given ourselves options.  I am a believer in variety as it presents the opportunity to compare.  Comparison is important.  We learn to know what we like and don’t like in a partner.  Of course, it is a task to find everything in one person, but that is the fun part.

I was talking to a girlfriend who recently slept with a guy for the first time.  She said he couldn’t fuck, and she went on to say how the previous guy she was with was better.  But who is to say the new guy did not think the same thing about her?  He has pleased someone before her, he just did not please her.

In my quest of variety , I developed what I have called the Two-Time Rule.  I found that most “first times” are not all they should be.  More times than not, it will be awkward and either really, really short or really, reeeeeeaallly long for no good reason.  So, based on my theory that the first time will suck or linger along the lines of mediocrity, I decided that a second chance needed to be given to conclude if the guy was a good prospect for future sexual endeavors.

Once the rule was implemented, it never steered me wrong.  I weeded out the ones that did not please me.  I felt confident in saying “he can’t fuck for shit” and meaning it.  I learned what made me cringe and what made me scream (in the good way).

Again, I am not saying to sleep with any and everything. Be selective and not picky. Your “variety” awaits and remember to be open to failure as second chances are almost always a good idea.

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Plain, Discreet Packaging

With the internet you can find just about anything you want, order it and have it shipped right to your door. Amazon is using drones to deliver to the people that just can’t wait.

Now, you can also get your porn without leaving the house, right from your bed before you even put your feet on the floor. When I say porn, I mean porn in all shapes, forms and fashions. Videos, escorts, live video chat sites, pictures, stories, blogs *cough, cough*, anything that gets you off…or on.

Remember the ordeal of having to go to the video store and step behind the curtain to get your porn. Remember trying not to be seen at the sex shop browsing around, trying to make a quick decision before the other shoppers think you are a freak? This was back when being a freak was an insult. I think times have changed. The fact that a person watched pornography and actually enjoyed it has always been a well kept secret. Oh the guilt!! Shame on you!! *holds hand up as if in court* “My name is Valentine Vixen and I love watching porn.” No shame here. I love it. Everything sex related has to be so discreet because, you know, nobody is having sex these days, but everybody is coming up pregnant, hmmmm. Sex related shops are always plain buildings that have a very small sign out front and parking is ALWAYS in the rear. Heaven forbid somebody drive by and notice your car out front. I saw a meme online where the church bus was parked at a XXX video store. WTF? Bless that bus driver! If you order anything sex related, it comes discreetly in ‘plain brown packaging’ from a company generically named. I love the names that are on the boxes: RCS Industries, Central Shipping or QRS Distribution. (How do I know this stuff?) Where do they come up with these pseudonyms?

I remember when I was in the Air Force stationed in Alaska, we used to go to Video City to rent movies. I would always hear the guys talk about the room behind the curtain. I knew it was the porn palace but they went on and on about it. I thought it was Oz! Now, I know better, they were young and horny, just like me. That was like legal crack for $1.99 a night. It didn’t get any better than that. It was the Emerald City to them. I couldn’t wait to build up enough courage to go in there. I was 19 and hadn’t established myself as vixen yet. Yes, I’m established now if you were wondering. Thank you, thank you. I went in the store one day and was like this is the day, I’m going in! When I finally pulled the red velvet curtain aside and stepped back there, I heard the sparkly dream music, you know what I’m talking about. I was surprised how big the selection was. All the video covers looked the same though. Tits and ass and the occasional specialty porn… Then I felt bad, like I was invading the privacy of the real browsers to prove I wasn’t scared to be back there. The men in there seemed embarrassed that a young woman saw them in there. They quickly made their decisions (or not) and got ghost real fast. My fear was seeing somebody I worked with in there, some officer or somebody higher ranking. That would have been so awkward. Damn, it was like being caught with your pants down and having your hand in the cookie jar and the same time. Needless to say, I didn’t rent anything. Hell, I would have been too embarrassed to return it. This was before the days of the after hours drop box. I might be a little old, I’m aging myself here…

I’m thankful those days are over. Now you can go online and order whatever you want. If you are looking for video, just go to the hundreds of sites that offer up decent length scenes for free. There’s something for every taste (no pun intended). You can watch everything from the “leaked” celebrity sex tapes to the chick and her dude from the club last night trying to make a name for themselves. By the way, whose idea was it to make the blurry cell phone sex video and post that shit online? Don’t do that, my time is valuable, just don’t do it. Not interested in the 20 minute long blow job? Skip up a few notches or just go to another ‘related’ video. No guilt or shame, you didn’t waste money or have to take the DVD back disappointed. You can get porn on your phone too. They don’t call them smart phones for nothing. I’m not saying I’ve checked all the sites, I’m just saying check the ones you like. You might be surprised. These waits at the doctors office and DMV are getting longer and longer…

Who’s still watching porn DVDs or do I even need to ask, tapes? (Who still has a VCR? On the real, if you do, I need to borrow it.) Who’s watching internet porn? Who has the rigged cable box and has porn on a continuous loop all day long? What are your favorite sites? Where are you ordering your “supplies” from? How are you getting your daily dose?

Kiss the clover!

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Lickin Ain’t Easy, But Somebody’s Gotta Do It

Pussy eating. Lickin’ the cat. Cunnilingus…(yes, that’s a word). Whatever word or term is used, it seems to be very popular in social media. I can’t tell you how many pictures/memes of eating pussy can be posted on Instagram daily but some men dedicate their entire page to it. Honestly, I am glad that they aren’t ashamed to talk about eating pussy or that they enjoy doing it. I just wonder if they are really good at it. I mean…that is what they want us to think, right? I look at some of those of those pictures myself and space out. I can feel that man that did EVERYTHANG right. (We ALL have one or three or more.)

Every man does it differently. But this one guy really stands out. Of course, I was prepared before going there….the pussy has to be pretty even for just sex. I was not prepared for the tongue lashing he gave me that night.

When he was ready, he pulled my dress up to find I was not wearing any panties, and moved his fingers in and out to feel how easy my pussy creamed at the slightest touch. He pressed his lips against my ear and asked “Do you want me to taste it?” I answered by taking his wet fingers into my mouth and let his tongue enter as well and slowly say “Yes.” He gently sucked on my clit as he moved his fingers in and out of me. Then it was just his tongue…and that’s all she wrote! Now, I am a certified squirmer. He even held me down the right way. I wanted to jump out of my skin and get that dick inside of me fast. (Patience has never been one of my strong suits.)

Anyhoo, I digress….but isn’t this what that man wanted when he posted that picture of that fine ass man eating the girl on the dinner table? Or the one with the fine ass man holding her up and eating it from the back? LAWD!! That’s the best! All I have to say is…I am happy to look at these posts because it brings me to a happy place. I am elated that men love eating the pussy just as much as they like strokin’ it!

I do need to post a “buyer beware”. If a man has no pictures of himself and only memes about eating pussy, he’s probably ugly with a little dick! Just kidding….sorta!

If you have any comments or feedback, please email me at creolelolita@readtheselipz.com

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Cheat Codes

“It ain’t cheating if I didn’t suck his dick. It ain’t cheating if we ain’t dating and a date constitutes going to a public place. It ain’t cheating if he wears a condom. I just kissed him, damn. It ain’t cheating if we did it at a hotel.”

“It ain’t cheating because I don’t love her. It ain’t cheating because it only happened once. It ain’t cheating ‘cause my homeboy was there the whole time. It ain’t cheating because all she did was suck my dick. It ain’t cheating because I didn’t eat that pussy.”

“Texting and sending pics is cheating. Phone calls are cheating. Having lunch with her is cheating. If you’re doing dinner you must be doing her afterwards. Being in the same room with her alone is cheating.”

“Flirting is cheating. He said you have pretty eyes? You must have fucked that dude. Him buying you a drink is cheating. What? You danced with him? That’s cheating. His number in your phone is cheating, what you need to call him for?”

I guess you can tell where these groups of comments come from. It’s really clear what a person considers cheating for themselves is quite the contrary for what they consider cheating for their significant others (who will be referred to as mates for the remainder of this blogpost, significant others is just too much and I’m not going to do it today. Okay, thank you.) Most people feel like a relationship is successful if both parties don’t cheat. That’s what THEY say. THEY being society. But what if cheating to you isn’t the same thing as cheating to your mate?

Are you in a liberal relationship? Open? Don’t ask, don’t tell? Conservative? Strict? Play by society’s rules? Are you in a certain category and wish you were in another? It’s perfectly ok to be in a relationship and have an attraction to another person. The last time I checked, we were human. Humans are animals. Or is my research sketchy? It’s normal and natural to be attracted to others. That’s what people do. You are attracted to people when you’re single and that doesn’t just turn off when you get into a relationship or when you get married. Go tell those lies to somebody that’s willing to listen to them. It doesn’t work that way. It is going to happen whether you are married or single…if you have a pulse, you’re going to be attracted to somebody else.

How you deal with relationship issues should be a serious discussion between you and your mate. This conversation needs to take place when you have a clear head, no Ciroc, and no distractions. Put the kids to bed. If you can’t have this discussion with your mate without a fight ensuing, then you have bigger problems. I’m not a therapist, but if this is the case, you probably need one. A real therapist too, not your single homegirl with 3 baby daddies telling you how your man ain’t shit. Don’t laugh fellas, y’all got trash in your ear too. Your homeboy that doesn’t have a woman because he don’t love them hoes. Them hoes don’t love him either. Your relationship is YOUR relationship. It’s yours, you own it, so participate in it. Leave the outsiders where they belong, outside.

You and your mate have to establish from the beginning what is acceptable and unacceptable. You may encounter situations that weren’t previously discussed. When this happens, deal with it at that time. Don’t put off talking about any situation that may make either party feel uncomfortable or disrespected. Relationships and people grow. As time goes on, people change. This isn’t a discussion you will only have one time. It’s important that you can communicate openly with your mate. If you are one of those silent treatment people that feels like you’re punishing your mate by not talking to them for an extended period of time, whomever is in a relationship with you hates your fucking guts when you “get mad.” Your relationship will not last. I promise it won’t. They may put up with your shit on Friday and be making that side piece scream their name on Saturday. Keep it up. Open your mouth and talk about it. (Or you can open your mouth, do other things AND THEN talk about it.)

I am not condoning or condemning any behavior when you’re in a relationship. I am saying that you should never let society dictate to you what your relationship should be. That should be a decision made between you and your mate and you two only.

You should know your mate’s fantasies and desires. There may be things you want to try together but you would never know if you are both afraid to bring it up.
Here are some ice breakers if you don’t know where to start. Read the question out loud. Both of you discuss the answer. Don’t move on to the next question until you are both satisfied with your conclusion. These are just examples, build off of these to take the discussion further.

First, start with these very important questions: Do you trust me? Do you love me? If the answer to either of these questions is ’no’, abort this mission and move on to something else. I’m sure Black Phoenix has plenty of entertaining shit to keep you occupied…

Here we go:

– Do you consider kissing cheating?
– If I had sex with somebody else, would you want to know?
– How do you feel about texts and phone calls from somebody of the opposite sex?
-Is being drunk an acceptable excuse for outside sex? (This question establishes accountability from the beginning.)
-Have you ever considered a threesome? 2 woman and 1 man? 2 men and 1 woman?
-Is there something you need from me sexually that I’m not giving you?
-Are you against me having lunch or dinner with somebody else?
-How do you feel about experimental sex? (2 women, I wouldn’t dare put 2 men, either party with another couple, couple swapping)
-Do we have curfews when we go out?
-Do you think there’s a difference in severity between a one night stand and an affair?
-Do you flirt with others?
-I’m going out for dinner and drinks with a group, there are guys/girls in that group. Is that ok with you?
-Is your cell phone off limits to me? If so, why?
-Tell me 3 sexual fantasies of yours. (This isn’t where you tell all the celebrities you want to fuck.)
-If ANY of our rules are broken would you want me to tell you?
-What are the consequences for breaking our rules?

Having a discussion this deep can make or break a relationship. What works for you may not work for everybody else. Talk to your mate with an open mind and an open heart. Trust that your mate is giving you honest answers. Make your relationship what the two of you need it to be. Make it rock solid, make it work. You make the rules. It’s YOUR relationship. The grass may not be greener on the other side but when your grass is fertilized with bullshit that kind of makes the whole saying obsolete ya think?

I would love to hear feedback on this. Email me at valentinevixen@readtheselipz.com

Kiss the clover.

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I Cum For You

Dark Knight. Mystic Warrior. Resilient Craftsman. Pussy Carpenter. Step into my shop. Let’s build a world together. Let my hands shape you. Let your imperfections that we created together be the things that make you unique. There should never be another you. There isn’t another you. I can’t compare you to anything else. What the fuck would I compare you to? Nothing gets better than the best. You’re the prettiest thing I’ve seen all day. Beautiful for no reason at all. Ok, I won’t lie. You’re the prettiest thing I’ve seen my whole life. I’m no fool. I’m just a man that has been left motionless by the struggle of watching your body move in such a graceful way. I want you to be aware that your attempt of seduction comes with penalties. You must pay for what you have made me feel inside. You have summoned for me. The gates are now opened. The public is watching. They are aroused by us. They must think we are ‘Those that we don’t speak of’. I’m just your Pussy Guardian. I’m here to protect that pussy. No one should ever hurt it again. You have summoned for me. I am Black Phoenix. I cum for you.

You looked in the mirror this morning. And maybe you said to yourself that something needs to change. Maybe it was something in your appearance. You didn’t feel beautiful. Or maybe you felt beautiful but thought your body just wasn’t right. Stop talking to that fucking mirror. Mirror mirror on the wall! Fuck all that bullshit. That mirror doesn’t see what I see. Try talking to me instead. Look into my eyes. Talk! I will listen. Did I tell you today how much you mean to me? Well I’m sorry that I failed to mention that. I started to tell you but I saw a picture of you today. I instantly went from wanting to talk to you to dreaming about kissing on you.

Please excuse me if I come across as being cruel. I want to paralyze your body everywhere but three specific locations. I want your heart to keep beating because I want you to feel the love that I’m trying to pump thru you. I also need it working because I want to seal all those cracks in your heart from those past relationships that just didn’t work out so well. I also want your mind to function properly. I need you to remember just how it feels to be weak. To remember how it felt to be without love. To know how it felt to get love. You need to think about the wise decision you made when you allowed me to be the one to rebuild you. Finally, I need your pussy intact. I need it wet. I need it ready for insertion. Take all of me. Once I’m inside, squeeze your pussy together. Contractions work best! I have to make that pussy feel good. If you’re not being fucked to a satisfactory rating, it really doesn’t matter what I do with your mind and heart. You won’t let me have them without some good dick. I will only be able to half them. Baby, I want all of you.

Are you lost? Call for help. I cum for you. You dialed the wrong number. You made the foolish mistake of thinking the voice on the other end of the phone could assist you. I’m your customer service representative. How can I fuck you? I like petting. Stroking your pussy with my fingers to get you ready is like the pregame show. One finger first. Nice and slow. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ease it on in there. Push it in deeper. When I see you close your eyes, I insert another finger. Fucking right, I love petting. Taking the two fingers, I push in deep. Pull back but don’t pull out. That’s to let you know that once I’m inside of you I won’t leave. I stick around. Once I see you bite your lip, I insert a third finger. Bend my fingers to 45 degrees and rotate in a circular motion. Hooking my fingers to 90 degrees will hurt you while I’m moving around in there. I’m trying to please you. I’m trying to make you take it from me. Let’s fight!

At this moment… At this very moment, there is nowhere else I would rather be than inside of you. I always encourage others to push hard for whatever they want out of life. All I want out of life right now, at this very moment, is for you to cum for me. As I’m watching my dick stroke in and out of your pussy, I won’t stop until you have glazed my dick. Make it sparkle. Sit on top of me and ride me. Let me play with that pussy while you bounce up and down. Touch yourself. Put your fingers in my mouth. Leave me confused. Do I put my hands on your breast? Do I place my hands on your hips? Do I grip your ass? Confuse me, dammit!!! You’re so fucking nasty. I’m the only innocent one here.

I was summoned here to please you. But just like a woman – you had to take over. You just couldn’t let me do what I needed to do. Never surrender huh? You’re such a funny character. Only because you put a smile on my face. A smile that lasts long after your pussy juices have dried up on the sheets. Promising you everything that your heart could ever desire would be a lie. I can promise you that for the rest of the night your desires will cum repeatedly. Up until the point when – I Cum For You! But you gotta cum first.

Stay Moist!

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Panty Droppers (No Money Back Guarantees)

I don’t listen to it, I feel it, I fuck to it. I’m talking ‘bout good old fashioned R&B, the take yo’ panties off music. Ladies, you ever had dick so good while a song is playing in the background and you hear that song again and get wet? I hate when that happens at work! Then I lose focus and the only thing on my mind is fucking, like, for the rest of the day. So much for those deadlines.
I can be riding in my car and hear a song and think to myself “I can’t wait to fuck to this song.” I get to moving around in my seat, practicing my choreography. I mentally get my outfit together complete with accessories. Then I gotta Shazam that bad boy, add it to Spotify and do my thing to it later. You’re welcome.
Fellas, remember that cassette you had back in the day called ‘Slow Jams Mix Tape’? You know you had one, everybody had one to two or three. That tape was intended to be a soundtrack for some good ass lovemaking. You imagined doing some really freaky shit to those songs while you were putting that tape together, recording the songs off the radio hoping not to get the DJs voice at the end of the song. Another man’s voice when you are about to climax would certainly kill the vibe. Some of you got lucky on those tapes, others, not so much. I still got my slow jams tapes and CDs, hell, I’m with the times, I got my playlists digital now.
There are some songs that just sound so good you can’t help but to think sexual thoughts when you hear them. There are so many out there but here is a pretty solid list that will increase the chances of you getting some. C’mon, don’t think you just gonna press play and she’s gonna get on her knees or bend over and pull her panties to the side. You have to set the scene. Dinner and wine pairs lovely with great music. If you don’t get any, it might be that YOU couldn’t seal the deal, don’t blame it on me. But if you do make it happen, send me an email at valentinevixen@readtheselipz.com and tell me all about it. I can get my 50 shades on while I’m at the red light.
These are some of MY favorites from the past and present. This is by no means an all inclusive list but damn, I can’t come up with all the answers. Who do you think I am? This is just a taste. Now, go taste her and happy humping.

The Greatest Sex – R. Kelly
Inside My Love – Minnie Ripperton
You Are My Woman – Tian
Don’t Say Goodnight – Isley Brothers
Moments In Love – Art of Noise
Make Me Say It Again Girl – Isley Brothers
No Bullshit – Chris Brown
Earned It – The Weekend
Marathon – Raheem DeVaughn
Untitled (How Does It Feel) – DeAngelo
Jupiter Love – Trey Songz
Make Love To Me – Luke James
Any Time, Any Place – Janet Jackson
In The Mood – Johnny Gill
Alone, Together – Daley
Jaded – George Tandy, Jr
Femininity – Eric Benet
Heaven – Kem
Mirror – Ne-Yo
Lose Control – Silk
U Send Me Swingin’ – Mint Condition
Come Inside – Intro
Slow Wine – Tony Toni Tone
He Loves Me – Jill Scott
After the Dance – Marvin Gaye

Hood Bonus Tracks (These rappers done got nasty, I love it!)
Or Nah Remix – The Weekend, Wiz Khalifa and DJ Mustard
Private Show – T.I. and Chris Brown
Recognize – PARTYNEXTDOOR ft. Drake

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This Damn Song!

Today I heard a song and I thought about you. It reminded me just how much I missed you. I would give anything to taste your lips right now. How did I go so long without having you? As the song played, I recalled all the times I would walk behind you and slap you on the ass. I would whisper sweet little things in your ear. Things like “I Want You”, “I Gotta Get Inside You”, “Let Me Get That Up Out Cha”, and “No One Has An Ass Like You”. That silly gangsta shit that made you blush but feel special. But nothing moved you more than saying “I Love You, Beautiful!” Grabbing on your ass and bringing your body closer to mine was like rubbing Icy Hot on my chest. I could always feel your body temperature going up. I enjoyed putting my hands between your legs. In the right position, I would always feel your heart beating thru your pussy. I don’t know how you made that thing jump like that. There was power in that pussy. There was power in the way you would push me down on the couch and tell me to relax while you take the load off. As a man that has to be the boss all day and tell everyone else what to do, it was nice to be bossed around at home. It was nice to not have to be the decision maker for once but still get everything I wanted. Me being submissive to you made you feel stronger. You showed gratitude by letting your man run things outside the house and around the house without totally giving up your domain. You maintained a balance. They say the way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. You were always smart enough to know that you can suck a man’s stomach out thru his dick and take control of that heart. Damn women!!! Feeling your lips on my dick… Having your lips on my dick… Damn! That was some good shit. You were such a tease. Why did you suck the tip of my dick and stop every time? You wanted me to beg? You wanted me to want more. And I wanted more. I got more.

Damn, this song is driving me crazy! I want you! I want you now. I want to walk up behind you. I want you to have on a long black dress with the slit on the side. I want to run my hands along side your legs until I reach the center point of the slit. I want to pull your dress back and touch your ass. I want to feel that pussy heat that you give off so well. Oh my! You feel so good. I wonder what happened to your panties. Did you know this would happen? Did you set me up? You wanted this dick? I want to spread your ass apart. Open your legs. Spread them wide. There you go using that power. I fall to my knees. Whenever you’re angry, you got a bad fucking habit of telling me to kiss your ass. Well, I’m on my knees and I have that ass sitting right there in my face. Are you still angry? No? Well can you be angry just for a brief moment? No? Fuck it then! I’ll kiss your ass anyways.

Damn, this song is driving me crazy! French kissing your pussy seems like the perfect medicine. Would you love that? Would you love it if I turned you around and threw you on the countertop? I could use my thumbs and pry your pussy wide open. Tonight is the night I play your GYN. Let me examine your insides. Let me check you for breast cancer. Sucking on your toes is the best way to test your reflexes. Putting your legs in the air is the best way to test your flexibility. Are you flexible? How are those vocal cords holding up? Say my name. Tell Phoenix how much you want to fly away. I can take you there. Say my name. Hold me tight. It’s ok to just let it go. I’m not here to judge you. I want you to feel free. You have a lil ho in you that’s just screaming to be set free. Be my ho! Let me fuck you right.

Damn, this song is driving me crazy. No matter what I do, I just can’t stop thinking about you. My dick is hard. I want it to go down. I try to think about baseball. I know that will work. However, all I see is you pitching naked. Rubbing on my balls. Trying to release the perfect pitch. I try to think of basketball. That has to work. However, all I see is my dick hitting the rim of your ass. Double Technical Foul! No KY used. Playa ejected. I try to think of football. I know for sure this will work. However, all I see is me running straight up the middle and hitting you in the gut. Touchdown! Fuck it! I’m stuck on you. Nothing is working. Now that’s the definition of a BAD BITCH! Nothing can take my mind off of you. What have you done to me? Oh that voodoo that you do!

Damn, this song is driving me crazy. You got me doing dumb shit. Shit like fantasizing about us chilling on the beach and making love under the stars. Shit like wanting to give up everything to be with you. Shit like thinking of you while I’m with someone else. Shit like wishing I could have those legs wrapped around mine every night before I fall asleep. Shit like wanting to put my dick inside of you and sleeping in your pussy. Shit like praying there was an “US”. Shit like having this damn song on repeat…

Stay Moist!

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The Gift

Are you struggling with what you should buy your woman for Valentine’s Day? Is your lady truly into you and the relationship or is she all about what you buy for her while in the relationship? I like to know what type of woman I’m dealing with from the beginning. Find out what you have. This is the perfect time to do so. So what should you buy her? That’s easy! Don’t buy her shit. Not a mother fucking thing at all (at first). Take whatever money you have allocated for her gift and put it to the side for now. You will need it after you find out what type of girl you have. Let’s get started.

The gift is simple and easy to make. Here is what you need: four sheets of notebook paper (wide note for those of you that can’t express yourself in detail), a great writing pen (good grip and doesn’t bleed ink), and your favorite bottle of cologne (preferably the one she likes on you and not the one some other bitch got you). Ok… I assume that you figured out we are writing her a letter. The art of writing a good letter is rare. The key to a good long love letter is filling out the pages. You have to make the person feel like you said a lot even if you said nothing. The handwritten letter should be enough to satisfy her. So here we go…

First, on the top line on the right hand side write today’s date. Don’t use short hand for this letter. For example, 2/14/2015 is ok for an informal letter. Here you want to use February 14, 2015. Remember the key is to make the letter full. Make it fat. Visualize that fat pussy staring at you thru those leggings. Take up as much space as you can. This also means you should stay away from contractions like can’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t, doesn’t, I’ll, we’re, ect. These are common uses; however, we must remember our goal.

Second, skip two lines from the date and on the left margin write Dear (Nickname). You should never address a personal letter To The Love Of My Life, My One And Only, My Everything, or anything that seems so general. I also recommend not using the person’s first name. The use of the first name makes the letter seem like business. Are you her lover or a bill collector? A nickname is something that lets her know it is directly speaking to her and not meant for another. It draws her into something that is only meant for her. Women love shit that is theirs only. They hate sharing. Selfish asses.

Third, skip two more lines after you’ve addressed her properly. Start your letter with “Hello! I just want to take the time out and let you know just how special you are to me.” Remember “you are” takes up more space than “you’re”. Full letter! “Hello!” will take her guards down. Sometimes men like to get straight to fucking. We don’t want to say hello. We just want to get behind you and pull your pants down and fuck you. That type of fuck is needed to change things up but not today. We are working on your woman’s classification. Letting her know you took the time out does exactly what it says. You stopped whatever it is that you were doing and started something special for her. Nothing came before her. Make her feel good. Earn that pussy.

Next, let her know that you have been thinking about her. If you are struggling with the words to use, you should let her know in the letter. Men have hard times expressing feelings. A woman wants to know how he feels because women like to fix shit. Men are physical fixers. Women are mental fixers. Ok, so you’re writing your love letter. You should start a new paragraph every five sentences or so. Break it up so it doesn’t seem like you’re just running on and on and not getting anywhere. Remember, we have four pages to fill up.

Dedicate a paragraph to how special she is to you. Dedicate another paragraph to how she makes you feel. If there is love in the relationship, don’t be shy on using love and using it often. Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to know that they are loved. Dedicate a paragraph on how beautiful she is. Now she knows that you know she is beautiful. This will excite her. Now you have to seal the deal. Dedicate the next full page to what you want to do to her. Always start with a kiss. Undress her mind. Give her every little detail of what you want to do to her. Make her pussy wet from reading the letter. Mentally fuck her. Now end the letter. Dedicate the last paragraph to all the things you are willing to do to make and keep her happy. Let her know how happy she makes you feel. Make her feel protected. Women want to feel safe. They look for security. Sign your letter with whatever she calls you. That way she knows you actually listen to her.

Now take the cologne and spary each page once. Just a small amount. Don’t be that old fucker that sits at the counter and spray the whole fucking bottle of every sample out. She doesn’t need to gag on cologne. You want her to gag on that dick after she reads the letter. Now fold the letter up.

Give her the letter as soon as possible. She will read the letter and you will know where your relationship really stands. If she reads the letter and walks you to the bedroom and fucks you, you have a woman that appreciates the little things. You just gave her the greatest gift ever. It was genuine. It was from you and not some card. It was hers. She will ride with you when yall have nothing at all as long as you continue to express what she means to you. If she reads the letter and asks where her gift is, you have a woman that is nothing but materialistic. She only cares about what you are buying her. How you treat her doesn’t really matter as long as you are caking her ass with gifts. She’s a user. Get whatever you want out of the deal too.

Remember the money that I told you to put to the side? Now is the time to use it. If you feel like you have the first woman I described, you really need to go out and get her something special. Let her know she is special and you appreciate her. Since every other woman has already received flowers for the holiday, you can send flowers a week later and let her know that the holiday may be over but the love yall share still blossoms. A classy woman will get off on that shit. (We’ll talk about classy women later.) Her officemates will hate her for still getting loved on after the holiday has passed. She will fuck you again when she gets home. Win win!!! If you feel like you have the second woman I described, you can go out and buy a fuck gift. She doesn’t care what it is. She just wants a gift. You just want to fuck. Don’t get her anything special. Try something from Dollar General.

There’s nothing wrong with doing things for your lady if she deserves it. You’re suppose to cake your woman. She’s yours! If you’re caking your lady and she ain’t fucking you, then you have my permission to cheat on her.

I hope I have inspired you to at least pick up the pen and write your thoughts to your lil lady. If you want to write the letter but feel like you just don’t know what to say, please feel free to contact me at BlackPhoenix@readtheselipz.com. I will write a letter for you for the small price off $4.99 (2 pages typed) or $9.99 (4 pages handwritten). Yes, I can charge you because I’m not fucking you.

Stay Moist!

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