Plain, Discreet Packaging

With the internet you can find just about anything you want, order it and have it shipped right to your door. Amazon is using drones to deliver to the people that just can’t wait.

Now, you can also get your porn without leaving the house, right from your bed before you even put your feet on the floor. When I say porn, I mean porn in all shapes, forms and fashions. Videos, escorts, live video chat sites, pictures, stories, blogs *cough, cough*, anything that gets you off…or on.

Remember the ordeal of having to go to the video store and step behind the curtain to get your porn. Remember trying not to be seen at the sex shop browsing around, trying to make a quick decision before the other shoppers think you are a freak? This was back when being a freak was an insult. I think times have changed. The fact that a person watched pornography and actually enjoyed it has always been a well kept secret. Oh the guilt!! Shame on you!! *holds hand up as if in court* “My name is Valentine Vixen and I love watching porn.” No shame here. I love it. Everything sex related has to be so discreet because, you know, nobody is having sex these days, but everybody is coming up pregnant, hmmmm. Sex related shops are always plain buildings that have a very small sign out front and parking is ALWAYS in the rear. Heaven forbid somebody drive by and notice your car out front. I saw a meme online where the church bus was parked at a XXX video store. WTF? Bless that bus driver! If you order anything sex related, it comes discreetly in ‘plain brown packaging’ from a company generically named. I love the names that are on the boxes: RCS Industries, Central Shipping or QRS Distribution. (How do I know this stuff?) Where do they come up with these pseudonyms?

I remember when I was in the Air Force stationed in Alaska, we used to go to Video City to rent movies. I would always hear the guys talk about the room behind the curtain. I knew it was the porn palace but they went on and on about it. I thought it was Oz! Now, I know better, they were young and horny, just like me. That was like legal crack for $1.99 a night. It didn’t get any better than that. It was the Emerald City to them. I couldn’t wait to build up enough courage to go in there. I was 19 and hadn’t established myself as vixen yet. Yes, I’m established now if you were wondering. Thank you, thank you. I went in the store one day and was like this is the day, I’m going in! When I finally pulled the red velvet curtain aside and stepped back there, I heard the sparkly dream music, you know what I’m talking about. I was surprised how big the selection was. All the video covers looked the same though. Tits and ass and the occasional specialty porn… Then I felt bad, like I was invading the privacy of the real browsers to prove I wasn’t scared to be back there. The men in there seemed embarrassed that a young woman saw them in there. They quickly made their decisions (or not) and got ghost real fast. My fear was seeing somebody I worked with in there, some officer or somebody higher ranking. That would have been so awkward. Damn, it was like being caught with your pants down and having your hand in the cookie jar and the same time. Needless to say, I didn’t rent anything. Hell, I would have been too embarrassed to return it. This was before the days of the after hours drop box. I might be a little old, I’m aging myself here…

I’m thankful those days are over. Now you can go online and order whatever you want. If you are looking for video, just go to the hundreds of sites that offer up decent length scenes for free. There’s something for every taste (no pun intended). You can watch everything from the “leaked” celebrity sex tapes to the chick and her dude from the club last night trying to make a name for themselves. By the way, whose idea was it to make the blurry cell phone sex video and post that shit online? Don’t do that, my time is valuable, just don’t do it. Not interested in the 20 minute long blow job? Skip up a few notches or just go to another ‘related’ video. No guilt or shame, you didn’t waste money or have to take the DVD back disappointed. You can get porn on your phone too. They don’t call them smart phones for nothing. I’m not saying I’ve checked all the sites, I’m just saying check the ones you like. You might be surprised. These waits at the doctors office and DMV are getting longer and longer…

Who’s still watching porn DVDs or do I even need to ask, tapes? (Who still has a VCR? On the real, if you do, I need to borrow it.) Who’s watching internet porn? Who has the rigged cable box and has porn on a continuous loop all day long? What are your favorite sites? Where are you ordering your “supplies” from? How are you getting your daily dose?

Kiss the clover!

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